A New Mother's Worst Nightmare

So I haven't posted any quote "complaining" posts. However, something has been really upsetting me, making me irate, and yes scaring me. It's true that today's world is not what it should be. It's a truly scary place. There are terrorist attacks, shootings in schools, children turning up missing, abuse, evil murders of children, and now the new trend BAKING YOUR KID IN A CAR. After the incident first occurred in Georgia on June 23, there have been multiple copycats. At first I only read one article and I felt sorry for the father. I think initially I wanted to believe it was a horrible, tragic accident; but after the incident unfolded and more facts started pouring in, I became irate. Even with all of the defense evidence that the few opposing views "he's not guilty", I can't accept the situation. There is absolutely no way that most "normal" parents just forget their baby in a car for 7 hours!!! Yes accidents happen! I have a neighbor that had her grandchild fall in the pond and drown in less than 5 minutes. Heck I was almost one of those horrible accidents when I was around 3 years of age. My great grandparents kept me during the day and for one brief moment I got out of the house and made it to the pond here at our house. I had sunk into the mud and was slowly falling in the water. Our Great Dane went crazy and that was basically what saved my life! I am fully aware accidents happen. But forgetting a child for 7 hours? Please! I truly don't know any normal parent that could miss a baby in the back seat of a car that was dieing! I truly don't know how anyone could miss a baby in the back of a car period. Further more I don't understand how any human being could be so evil to plan on killing their baby by baking it in a 140 degree car! It's the stuff that a pregnant mother's nightmares are made of. Here's some advice: If you don't want to risk the possibility of having a baby don't have sex! It's a risk that you take every time you make that choice. There is no birth control that is 100% baby proof, except abstinence. How about giving your baby to someone who wants it?! I guess I forgot if you are a parent that wants to kill your baby for it's life insurance to pay off your own debt, then that probably doesn't apply to you. Bottom line, there are a lot of evil people in this world. Selfishness has grown completely out of control, that along with hate. The fears become great when you are a mother to be and you have no idea how bad things are going to get for your little bundle of joy. The crazy thoughts begin to flow too, like what if something crazy just happens to parents after the baby is in the world? I mean that thought happens for me because I can't possibly fathom how anyone could do such evil and horrible things to their child? As far as I am concerned the father should be put in his car and baked to death, the same manner his son was. As for the mother I don't even know what to say at this point. My feelings are still a bit mixed on her, but I still think something is not right at all! This post is to all the innocent children that die every day at the expense of adults being selfish and evil. This post is for my new bundle that will be here soon, and I can't even fathom it leaving this world at my expense or before me. This post is to every evil parent or adult that thinks about harming a child. I hope that you spend eternity in hell, because there is no excuse for you. Sorry to be so blunt and mean sounding but it's simply how I feel. At this point I can't be forgiving like Jesus (even though I have to work on it to be a better Christian) but for me there is no justice for any adult that is going to kill an innocent child. This post is finally for baby Copper, one of the cutest little boys I have seen. God bless you with your angel wings in heaven. I would really love to think that maybe God sent an angel to bring him on back to heaven with him that awful day, before he suffered too long. PS I am not sure why but this will not allow me to separate the paragraphs. I tried to fix it multiple times.

Nursery Inspriation

 Sorry I haven't been on and written a blog lately.  I have been very busy. I have two places that I am trying to get ready for baby. I have Matt's house and he is working around the clock and then working on redoing the kitchen floor and nursery floor. Then there is my house (with my grandad) ; and my bathroom was in reconstruction mode and a whole lot of organization needs to be done and cleaning. The plan is that yes Matt and I will be together with the baby as a family, but I only know his mom in Decatur. Matt works a lot (I am thankful he's a hard worker). So with this set up, it's probably safer that I am at home after baby is born for the first month or so. Since it's going to be a holiday baby, there are family members that are coming into town to stay the night on my side. I am not going to ask them to stay the night at a hotel during the holidays and my house has two extra rooms, Matt's doesn't. Anyway so I have been busy cleaning, organizing, getting things ready to sell and or have a yard sell and getting things we need at both places.

I am feeling a lot better. I guess the second trimester is the best time in pregnancy. I still have some bouts of sickness and my anxiety has been very bad. But over all things have gotten a lot better. I had back issues before this, so that has held me back a lot. The Sciatic nerves are bothering me bad along with the disc in my back, that was already giving me issues. That in and of itself has prevented me to clean and organize at a faster speed.

So now I have to figure out how we are going to fix up it's main room and obviously at a cheap price. We are on a budget, because I am not working right now and every penny has to be watched. I have been hitting the budget books and trying to learn how to coupon. If anyone can teach me how to coupon, I would totally love you forever!! My go to places to save have been Amazon, Walmart, Sam's Club, Etsy, Target, and yard sells.  I went to this upscale neighborhood that was having a huge yard sell. I found the cutest baby onsies and books. I am a firm believer in having books for baby. I was read too at a very early age (as soon as birth) and I grew a deep love for reading and excelled in it. Books are like a life saver in so many ways. In fact I have so many school books and books in general I am selling a lot to Amazon and making a bit of cash that way.

The first step was deciding on a color that would work for boy or girl. Matt didn't like yellow so we went with mint green. Personally I love mint green. I am currently trying to finish painting my bathroom this color. It's just a great in between color, that's refreshing. Our furniture is going to be white (our floor is a light colored laminate).  We have found the crib we want to order and I just found a really cute white dresser on craigs list... if we can contact and order in time. Here is a picture of it . It's super cute and for a great price. I wanted to find a longer dresser and paint it coral possibly (if it's a girl) but I guess since I have so many other paintings I am working on, that I don't have time to do all of that. I am going to show the two nursery pictures that I found on pinterest that I am going to work around. I am super excited to make and create most of the room myself. I think that makes it even more special. We are only going to buy the main pieces that we need : crib, dresesr, rug, and glider. If anyone knows places to find glider and dresser for cheap please send me some info. I could use to help with paintings too etc. Here is my inspiration for girl nursery: Obviously it won't look just like this, but similar. I plan on having my second mom to make the curtains like this. They are pretty simple to redo. The picture frames can be purchased on Etsy for a pretty decent price. Inspiration for boy nursery: The boy nursery might be a little different in general but this one is very cute with mint walls. I never thought of orange being cute with this color. As for curtains etc, I might just keep the yellow and white that is in the girls nursery. I might throw in blue and yellow colors in the boys nursery. I will know what I am having next week! July 9th! I am so excited to find out who this little person has developed into. I am still dealing with some negative old Southern attitudes about not being married. Actually had someone say "She needs to just get married and get divorced later, so the baby will have a name." Yeah I have heard it all. The thing that I take from all of this, is that people feel that not being married is the end of everything. They think that the baby will have no life and that marriage is always the answer. I have high hopes that God will work something out in all of this and I have no intentions of forcing something ( and making as some people are thinking about this situation.. another mistake). It truly appalls me that people still feel that babies are mistakes, if they are born outside of marriage. Christians are the ones that scream about abortion but then make unwed mothers feel awful that they are having the baby and trying to be responsible. It's truly sad that women have to feel so scared and rejected, that they feel they have no choice but to abort. A preacher said the other day this famous quote "there may be accidental parents, but there is never an accidental baby." I hope that more people in the South realize the guilt they place on women is often the guilt that leads to abortion. You can't have both! So stop being hypocritical. My attitude is, "it is what it is" now and I am going to do my very best and keep moving forward. I am truly excited and already love this little bundle and I hope that others can love it too. If not it has family that already adores it. :)

Morning Sickness? Nah how about Night Sickness

 So if I have learned one thing it's that morning sickness is not "morning sickness."  It's turned into afternoon, evening sickness. From about 2 PM until about 10 PM  I find myself extremely ill. I can hardly hold my head up on some days. It is stated this usually starts the 6th weeks and ends around week 13/14. For me, it started very badly around week 12 and is continuing to wreck havoc. I will literally be eating something and then have to immediately throw up, or it will just happen. I started staying in the bathroom during this time so much, that I had to have my doctor call in some medicine for me. However, the medicine made me sick or makes me sick because it dissolves in my mouth.

The nausea doesn't just go away when you throw up either. Nope. For me I get hungry or feel hungry after being sick and then will get sick again. It's been nothing short of miserable. The thing is I have many women who just don't seem to understand. Most women didn't have this constant sickness. They only got sick a few times, if any. I mean when you can't swallow your own spit and or your own scent makes you throw up, things are pretty bad.

They say that ginger and vitamin B12 helps with nausea, also trying to keep down a lot of proteins. I have found that ginger-ale does work pretty well, though I think I may have gotten sick off of this. My life saver has been Young Living Essential Peppermint oil and a cold wash cloth. Placing the peppermint oil right under my nose and on my temples seems to take away the nausea. After this I will place a cold wash cloth on my head. I just found out that I can take phenygren (spelling) if administered safely. So I am probably going to try this, as well, if the nausea doesn't let up soon.

Not sure if these facts are true but they say extreme nausea or nausea is a good thing. It means your hormone levels are high and that your chances of miscarrying are low. I have also read that it means your baby is healthy and that it has a high IQ. Hmmmm... I can only hope it's as smart as me.. (har har).

I am just ready for this period of sickness to be over with. I wish I could find some mothers or mom's to be that have experienced this extreme nausea and know exactly how I am feeling. If you have felt this, please share your experience or what helped you to cope. I welcome any and all advice. XOXO

Oh Baby....

 To say that my life has changed in the last  8 months might be an understatement. I wanted to try and reinvent myself and wait until a lot of things came together in my life, before getting back on social media. For one I was tired of the attacks and two I simply wanted to rest from the constant desire of being on Facebook etc. I decided to take time to focus on school and my job. However, around December I realized my health was not doing too well. I had to leave work for the fifth time in three months, due to a high fever and swollen glands. Each doctor's visit prompted a similar result (bronchitis). I kept telling my doctor I felt that it was something else going on. I was having constant migraines, nausea, and my immune system was at a very low point. After acquiring a stomach virus (that had to be worse than any bug I had ever had) and then the flu, where I was running a 103.7 degree fever and hallucinating, I decided it was time to take some big actions. Not only was my body suffering but my job was suffering as well. After months of telling my doctor it wasn't just a bad winter, I finally had extensive blood work done. (Whatever happened to the customer is always right?)  Upon this I discovered I had mono. It wasn't as bad as what I had originally thought, but there was a scare that there might even be another auto immune disorder lurking in the background.

During this time instead of growing closer to God I seemed to grow further from Him. I became very depressed and my anxiety was at an all time record high. I was trying to manage a 40 plus hour a week job (barely making a little over minimum wage and driving to Huntsville on the far side, averaging almost an hour drive a day and full time Masters courses).  This was murder on my body with being ill. I wasn't getting any rest and I felt as though I was not making any progress. Why was I still beating the concrete making nothing and two degrees under my belt? Why couldn't I just be happy as some would say with a job? I guess because after 13 years of working dead end jobs and `12 years of college (enough to have almost a PhD) I was ready to see something from my effort. I became restless and angry.  I really started to think about life as being a mistake and there really wasn't a God. I didn't want to read my bible, pray, or even think about going to church.

In February I started dating a guy I had known for almost 2 years. He had actively pursued me but I didn't really know what I thought about him, because he was almost 8 years older than me. I decided to give him a chance. My life was confusing and I guess I figured allowing someone in might be a good thing. He is a really good guy, but he's not really the Christian guy he was raised to be. He too was questioning his faith. Well with two people questioning their faith, it's bound to be an interesting ride.. right? You guessed it.

Around mid March I started feeling worse. I once again found myself sick to death and after my boss talking to me (and asking me if I was depressed or if I had something seriously wrong with me) I had to leave work early. I started puking my guts out and didn't leave the bathroom. (Gross I know). Not exactly effective for working with 2 year olds and not exactly something people want to pay you to do (stay in the toilet). On my drive home (might I add that hour drive I thought was going to be the end of my life, I was so miserable), I contemplated what was going on in my life. Why were things feeling so out of control. Matt the guy who was in my life, helped me through that long drive and some how take my mind off things. But I knew something was just not right at all with my body. I couldn't quite place this feeling. It was just very odd.

After searching my heart and my life, I decided that I needed to focus on the remainder of my graduate degree and be a substitute teacher. They were, however, calling me every day. And after this bought of sickness I decided that my health should also be my main focus, if I ever wanted to be a teacher and finish my Masters. So that is what I set out to do and put in my two weeks notice. I signed up to be a substitute teacher at the preschool I was teaching at as well. I felt that it was a good decision. However, my body had other plans :/.   I had worked one week of my two weeks, when my wisdom tooth that had given me on and off issues and was suppose to come out (after my two weeks were up) started killing me. I promise the pain had to be worse than birth pains. I tried all kinds of medicines and even placing hot green tea bags in my mouth (which by the way made me about hurl, unless you are in the pain I was in, don't try it). I had to go into emergency surgery and I wasn't really prepared for it. I had never been put to sleep. I was terrified. My jaw was also affected because the pressing of the tooth coming through and me waiting too long had moved my jaw bone over. This surgery was a complicated one. It took the nurse and doctor a lot to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest, my anxiety would not calm down. Needless to say I woke up alert, because I had been so anxious. I didn't have any funny moments or singing land of the blueberries.

I was in too much pain to speak to my job. I could barely move my mouth to talk, so my poor grand father had to try and explain. I had a doctor's note stating my sickness for the week i,e surgery, but by the time I had healed my two weeks was already up. I don't know how this will play out in the end as far as my resume goes.

OK so here it is, if you had read this far. The actual big news. I still wasn't feeling right and I realized something had not happened for me. Yes, ladies you know what I mean. I realized I was over a week late. I called my best friends up, because that is what girls do. I was thinking to myself, this gas mask really has played with my head. I asked my friend if she would go and buy me two lovely preggo tests. I thought to myself, I am 31 years old and I have been an innocent girl my whole life.. there is no way that one time would give me a baby. (OK to say that I was a V before this I would be lieing, but I am going to be completely honest here. Most women in the South are told you are going to hell if this happens before marriage. Now I agree that it's not God's will as I will explain later, but I don't think you should be branded and sent to hell). Well my friend was a great friend as always and she bought two tests, ones she said they use in the doctor's office. On that Friday night three months ago, I discovered.. yes Rachel all it takes is one time. The baby I been saying all my life that I wanted,  was in fact right there in my tummy.  A series of emotions hit me. I was excited but then I became incredibly terrified. Even though I don't think a woman should be judged because she isn't married and this happened, people in the South are going to do it. What was my family going to say? What was my grandfather going to do? I was overcome with fear. My best friends came to my side and sat with me and talked with me. That was comfort to my soul. But I knew at the end of the day, this was my issue and that I would have to deal with this alone.

I went cold turkey immediately on my anxiety meds and I didn't realize this was going to send me into a deep depression. The last three months have been a whirl wind. I spent the first month and half completely hiding at Matt's house and in misery. My sickness was starting to become constant and I was on the verge of wanting to die. I didn't know if my family would disown me, throw me out on the streets, or if I would have to give my baby up for adoption. This isn't exactly the best time for all of this. For one I quit my job and two my body wasn't not where it should be. Well and of course for obvious reasons.

When all has been said and done, my family (my grandfather and father) have been a lot more supportive than I thought. Of course it's very hard on my grandfather because of his age and his time. He wants to know when the wedding is. Matt is coming around and being a lot more supportive than he was at first. He was terrified and all he could think about was money. Now he is realizing that things will work themselves out. He has truly been a support for me these last few weeks and is doing better than I expected. As for a wedding, I can hope that Matt and I continue to grow and that I keep growing back towards my faith with God. I can say this shook me and that I have heard the Lord's voice in all the pain. If it wasn't for this sweet voice, I honestly can't say what I would have done in the past two months of my deep depression.

I am struggling to still tell a lot of people. For I am not sure how I can deal with judging attitudes and hateful opinions. I understand all of the negative and all of the positive in this and I am trying to focus on the positive. I am for sure not modest anymore and I can talk about puking, pooping, and passing gas with the best of them. As for a job I am looking for things I can do and ways to save money in any way shape or form. I think the best route for me is substituting or baby sitting until the baby comes and then I will focus on more of a permanent job, once the maternity time is over.

I ask for your prayers and your support. I ask for positive words. I ask for advice from mothers or single mothers. I ask for you to love me through this. Because depression and pregnancy are very very hard. Harder than regular depression. Jesus commands us to love and He also says that He knew the hairs on our heads before we were conceived in our mother's womb. So I have no doubt that my baby is a blessing from God. As my grandfather says, this too shall pass. I am choosing to believe positive things and refuse to hear negative. So if you have negative opinions, please don't state them. I am sure I have thought of them in the months I laid in my bed and I don't want to go there again.

Thanks for reading all of this. I plan on posting my pregnancy, pregnancy information and advice I learn, savings, showers, and of course keeping my friends who follow me online up to date on my progress and life! I look forward and welcome any comments. God Bless!

PS.. This is a trial run. I am publishing without proof reading, because I am feeling the sickness again.