To say that my life has changed in the last 8 months might be an understatement. I wanted to try and reinvent myself and wait until a lot of things came together in my life, before getting back on social media. For one I was tired of the attacks and two I simply wanted to rest from the constant desire of being on Facebook etc. I decided to take time to focus on school and my job. However, around December I realized my health was not doing too well. I had to leave work for the fifth time in three months, due to a high fever and swollen glands. Each doctor's visit prompted a similar result (bronchitis). I kept telling my doctor I felt that it was something else going on. I was having constant migraines, nausea, and my immune system was at a very low point. After acquiring a stomach virus (that had to be worse than any bug I had ever had) and then the flu, where I was running a 103.7 degree fever and hallucinating, I decided it was time to take some big actions. Not only was my body suffering but my job was suffering as well. After months of telling my doctor it wasn't just a bad winter, I finally had extensive blood work done. (Whatever happened to the customer is always right?) Upon this I discovered I had mono. It wasn't as bad as what I had originally thought, but there was a scare that there might even be another auto immune disorder lurking in the background.
During this time instead of growing closer to God I seemed to grow further from Him. I became very depressed and my anxiety was at an all time record high. I was trying to manage a 40 plus hour a week job (barely making a little over minimum wage and driving to Huntsville on the far side, averaging almost an hour drive a day and full time Masters courses). This was murder on my body with being ill. I wasn't getting any rest and I felt as though I was not making any progress. Why was I still beating the concrete making nothing and two degrees under my belt? Why couldn't I just be happy as some would say with a job? I guess because after 13 years of working dead end jobs and `12 years of college (enough to have almost a PhD) I was ready to see something from my effort. I became restless and angry. I really started to think about life as being a mistake and there really wasn't a God. I didn't want to read my bible, pray, or even think about going to church.
In February I started dating a guy I had known for almost 2 years. He had actively pursued me but I didn't really know what I thought about him, because he was almost 8 years older than me. I decided to give him a chance. My life was confusing and I guess I figured allowing someone in might be a good thing. He is a really good guy, but he's not really the Christian guy he was raised to be. He too was questioning his faith. Well with two people questioning their faith, it's bound to be an interesting ride.. right? You guessed it.
Around mid March I started feeling worse. I once again found myself sick to death and after my boss talking to me (and asking me if I was depressed or if I had something seriously wrong with me) I had to leave work early. I started puking my guts out and didn't leave the bathroom. (Gross I know). Not exactly effective for working with 2 year olds and not exactly something people want to pay you to do (stay in the toilet). On my drive home (might I add that hour drive I thought was going to be the end of my life, I was so miserable), I contemplated what was going on in my life. Why were things feeling so out of control. Matt the guy who was in my life, helped me through that long drive and some how take my mind off things. But I knew something was just not right at all with my body. I couldn't quite place this feeling. It was just very odd.
After searching my heart and my life, I decided that I needed to focus on the remainder of my graduate degree and be a substitute teacher. They were, however, calling me every day. And after this bought of sickness I decided that my health should also be my main focus, if I ever wanted to be a teacher and finish my Masters. So that is what I set out to do and put in my two weeks notice. I signed up to be a substitute teacher at the preschool I was teaching at as well. I felt that it was a good decision. However, my body had other plans :/. I had worked one week of my two weeks, when my wisdom tooth that had given me on and off issues and was suppose to come out (after my two weeks were up) started killing me. I promise the pain had to be worse than birth pains. I tried all kinds of medicines and even placing hot green tea bags in my mouth (which by the way made me about hurl, unless you are in the pain I was in, don't try it). I had to go into emergency surgery and I wasn't really prepared for it. I had never been put to sleep. I was terrified. My jaw was also affected because the pressing of the tooth coming through and me waiting too long had moved my jaw bone over. This surgery was a complicated one. It took the nurse and doctor a lot to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest, my anxiety would not calm down. Needless to say I woke up alert, because I had been so anxious. I didn't have any funny moments or singing land of the blueberries.
I was in too much pain to speak to my job. I could barely move my mouth to talk, so my poor grand father had to try and explain. I had a doctor's note stating my sickness for the week i,e surgery, but by the time I had healed my two weeks was already up. I don't know how this will play out in the end as far as my resume goes.
OK so here it is, if you had read this far. The actual big news. I still wasn't feeling right and I realized something had not happened for me. Yes, ladies you know what I mean. I realized I was over a week late. I called my best friends up, because that is what girls do. I was thinking to myself, this gas mask really has played with my head. I asked my friend if she would go and buy me two lovely preggo tests. I thought to myself, I am 31 years old and I have been an innocent girl my whole life.. there is no way that one time would give me a baby. (OK to say that I was a V before this I would be lieing, but I am going to be completely honest here. Most women in the South are told you are going to hell if this happens before marriage. Now I agree that it's not God's will as I will explain later, but I don't think you should be branded and sent to hell). Well my friend was a great friend as always and she bought two tests, ones she said they use in the doctor's office. On that Friday night three months ago, I discovered.. yes Rachel all it takes is one time. The baby I been saying all my life that I wanted, was in fact right there in my tummy. A series of emotions hit me. I was excited but then I became incredibly terrified. Even though I don't think a woman should be judged because she isn't married and this happened, people in the South are going to do it. What was my family going to say? What was my grandfather going to do? I was overcome with fear. My best friends came to my side and sat with me and talked with me. That was comfort to my soul. But I knew at the end of the day, this was my issue and that I would have to deal with this alone.
I went cold turkey immediately on my anxiety meds and I didn't realize this was going to send me into a deep depression. The last three months have been a whirl wind. I spent the first month and half completely hiding at Matt's house and in misery. My sickness was starting to become constant and I was on the verge of wanting to die. I didn't know if my family would disown me, throw me out on the streets, or if I would have to give my baby up for adoption. This isn't exactly the best time for all of this. For one I quit my job and two my body wasn't not where it should be. Well and of course for obvious reasons.
When all has been said and done, my family (my grandfather and father) have been a lot more supportive than I thought. Of course it's very hard on my grandfather because of his age and his time. He wants to know when the wedding is. Matt is coming around and being a lot more supportive than he was at first. He was terrified and all he could think about was money. Now he is realizing that things will work themselves out. He has truly been a support for me these last few weeks and is doing better than I expected. As for a wedding, I can hope that Matt and I continue to grow and that I keep growing back towards my faith with God. I can say this shook me and that I have heard the Lord's voice in all the pain. If it wasn't for this sweet voice, I honestly can't say what I would have done in the past two months of my deep depression.
I am struggling to still tell a lot of people. For I am not sure how I can deal with judging attitudes and hateful opinions. I understand all of the negative and all of the positive in this and I am trying to focus on the positive. I am for sure not modest anymore and I can talk about puking, pooping, and passing gas with the best of them. As for a job I am looking for things I can do and ways to save money in any way shape or form. I think the best route for me is substituting or baby sitting until the baby comes and then I will focus on more of a permanent job, once the maternity time is over.
I ask for your prayers and your support. I ask for positive words. I ask for advice from mothers or single mothers. I ask for you to love me through this. Because depression and pregnancy are very very hard. Harder than regular depression. Jesus commands us to love and He also says that He knew the hairs on our heads before we were conceived in our mother's womb. So I have no doubt that my baby is a blessing from God. As my grandfather says, this too shall pass. I am choosing to believe positive things and refuse to hear negative. So if you have negative opinions, please don't state them. I am sure I have thought of them in the months I laid in my bed and I don't want to go there again.
Thanks for reading all of this. I plan on posting my pregnancy, pregnancy information and advice I learn, savings, showers, and of course keeping my friends who follow me online up to date on my progress and life! I look forward and welcome any comments. God Bless!
PS.. This is a trial run. I am publishing without proof reading, because I am feeling the sickness again.
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